Fair Fighting In Relationships? Why Even Fight At All?

How come it's okay to fight to get to the top of your class but not okay to fight with your best friend or confidant to get to the best outcome regarding a difference of opinion you two have over something you both care about? Just as there are "fair" ways to fight with cancer (i.e. chemo therapy rather than a shot gun), there are fair ways to fight with your spouse or boss.

Friends, siblings, business partners, lovers and mates need to learn the art and skill of fair fighting. If you don’t, you’ll fight unfairly and that is destructive. If you don’t fight, you’ll miss the healthy benefits of fighting.

It is human to have conflict. It is okay when we hear of a person who fought and struggled or strived to get to the top of their field of endeavor. We cheer for the person who has won their fight with cancer. We don’t so much like to root for the friend who argues with or contends with another friend of ours. Kids don’t applaud their parents when fighting. Mothers, unlike football coaches, don’t video tape their children’s quarrels with each other and afterwards give them pointers as to how they could do better arguing. What’s going on here?

So long as we follow the rules of the game, it’s good to have a competitive, heated tennis match with an vopponent. The same holds true for an emotional match with our spouse. It toughens us, makes us better in that arena, and teaches us a great deal about the other person and how they function. Fighters know each other about as well, perhaps better, than passionate lovers.

Relationship conflict helps to keep up boundaries. With healthy boundaries we are better able to co-exist with another person and not be threatened or insecure. Basically when we speak of a person winning a struggle with cancer, what has happened is not the elimination of cancer cells from their body. Rather, the cancer has been put in its place, back into a low level of prevalence to keep the body balanced and healthy. We all have some cancer cells in us at all times. Healthy struggle with cancer cells keeps them from growing too fast and taking over parts of the body.

Fair fighting in relationships ventilates grievances so resentment stays down, increases coping abilities and keeps power differentials at manageable levels so that the relationship stays balanced. Done right, conflict can solve problems and fix disorder.

Here are basic rules for fair fighting: No physical violence or emotional abuse while talking/fighting. No name calling or cussing out the other person. Stick to the topic of contention. No bringing up the past, unless that’s the topic. Avoid lying and exaggerating as in “You always......” or “You never......” or “I’m the only one who ever......”. Statements such as these are useless untruths and do little to enhance problem solving. No walking or running out of the fight. If you need a break because you’re getting too emotional to think clearly and remember the fair rules of fighting, ask for a break and agree when the fight will resume. You do not have to say this relationship is over or ask for a divorce just to take a time-out. No ultimatums or threats. The point of fair fighting is not to win but to struggle with your partner until you can come to win/win solutions or compromises. In the meantime enjoy sparing with the other person and sharpening both of your abilities to stay afloat in the world of human realities.

A licensed psychologist, Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D. has coached people in their careers, relationships and business aspirations for many years. He helps women believe in themselves and men use their emotional intelligence. He is experienced in working with family business snarls and people in personal chaos who need strategies that will turn their best into success. You may reach him at www.bulletproofcoach.com or http://www.netpsychologist.com.

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