What arehealthy boundaries in relationships?


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10 Universal Laws for Parents of Teens
By: Jeff Herring, a Marriage and Family Therapist
You can go splat if you violate the law of gravity. Violate any of these universal laws for parenting your teenager and your parenting could go splat too! Read more . . .



Boundaries in Marriage


Rescue Your Love Life: Changing the 8 Dumb Attitudes & Behaviors That Will Sink Your Marriage



The definition of a boundary from the dictionary is :

  • Something that indicates a border or limit.
  • The border or limit so indicated

The best relationship advice includes behaviors recommending behaviors that consider boundaries. The worst and most damaging relationship advice denys considering boundaries. When faced with a relationship problem, no relationship advice can be helpful without a determination the personal responsibility to identify where you start and end, and where the other person starts. Just as an owner of real estate may be angry to have some trespass on land that is owned, we become angry and hurt when another person trespasses on our personal boundaries. If we do not know what they are, we cannot respect others boundaries and cannot enforce our own. This can be one reason for us to have very destructive and dysfunctional relationships.

Depression, co-dependency, anxiety, and a many other conditions can improve by becoming aware of and enforcing our personal boundaries. Browse the information and resources on this site. You will find helpful relationship advice that will improve your life and your relationships. Topics covered include articles on Christian dating, sexual relationships, and family relatioships are included.

Do You Need Help in Understanding Boundaries?

Article written by: Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D.
Fair Fighting In Relationships? Why Even Fight At All?

Wait a minute:

How come it's okay to fight to get to the top of your class but not okay to fight with your best friend or confidant to get to the best outcome regarding a difference of opinion you two have over something you both care about? Just as there are "fair" ways to fight with cancer (i.e. chemo therapy rather than a shot gun), there are fair ways to fight with your spouse or boss.

Friends, siblings, business partners, lovers and mates need to learn the art and skill of fair fighting. If you donít, youíll fight unfairly and that is destructive. If you donít fight, youíll miss the healthy benefits of fighting.

It is human to have conflict. It is okay when we hear of a person who fought and struggled or strived to get to the top of their field of endeavor. We cheer for the person who has won their fight with cancer. We donít so much like to root for the friend who argues with or contends with another friend of ours. Kids donít applaud their parents when fighting. Mothers, unlike football coaches, donít video tape their childrenís quarrels with each other and afterwards give them pointers as to how they could do better arguing. Whatís going on here?

So long as we follow the rules of the game, itís good to have a competitive, heated tennis match with an vopponent. The same holds true for an emotional match with our spouse. It toughens us, makes us better in that arena, and teaches us a great deal about the other person and how they function. Fighters know each other about as well, perhaps better, than passionate lovers.

Relationship conflict helps to keep up boundaries. With healthy boundaries we are better able to co-exist with another person and not be threatened or insecure. Basically when we speak of a person winning a struggle with cancer, what has happened is not the elimination of cancer cells from their body. Rather, the cancer has been put in its place, back into a low level of prevalence to keep the body balanced and healthy. We all have some cancer cells in us at all times. Healthy struggle with cancer cells keeps them from growing too fast and taking over parts of the body.

Fair fighting in relationships ventilates grievances so resentment stays down, increases coping abilities and keeps power differentials at manageable levels so that the relationship stays balanced. Done right, conflict can solve problems and fix disorder.

    Here are basic rules for fair fighting:
  • No physical violence or emotional abuse while talking/fighting.
  • No name calling or cussing out the other person.
  • Stick to the topic of contention. No bringing up the past, unless thatís the topic.
  • Avoid lying and exaggerating as in ďYou always......Ē or ďYou never......Ē or ďIím the only one who ever......Ē. Statements such as these are useless untruths and do little to enhance problem solving.
  • No walking or running out of the fight. If you need a break because youíre getting too emotional to think clearly and remember the fair rules of fighting, ask for a break and agree when the fight will resume. You do not have to say this relationship is over or ask for a divorce just to take a time-out.
  • No ultimatums or threats. The point of fair fighting is not to win but to struggle with your partner until you can come to win/win solutions or compromises. In the meantime enjoy sparing with the other person and sharpening both of your abilities to stay afloat in the world of human realities.

A licensed psychologist, Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D. has coached people in their careers, relationships and business aspirations for many years. He helps women believe in themselves and men use their emotional intelligence. He is experienced in working with family business snarls and people in personal chaos who need strategies that will turn their best into success. You may reach him at www.bulletproofcoach.com or http://www.netpsychologist.com.



Articles written by: Angie Lewis
Marriage Takes a Giving and Forgiving Attitude

Why do you say, ďI have a bad marriage?Ē Maybe what you should be saying is, ďI am a bad marriage partner?Ē The reality is folks, marriage takes a giving and forgiving attitude, and without that, what is left? You tell me what happens when you donít forgive your spouse? Read more . . .

Living With An Alcoholic Spouse: A Healthy Detachment

You are powerless to getting your loved one to stop drinking. The first step in being able to detach is by realizing that the shenanigans of the alcoholic is not your problem. Donít try and fix their messes for them. Not only does this enable them to continue drinking, but also it justifies their drinking. Donít have any interaction with the alcoholic while they are drinking; that includes, talking and arguing with them. Why fuss and fight with someone who has lost the ability to make any sense? Read more . . .

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